Who can use I-Messages?
Everyone can learn to use “I” messages. Parents and children can all be encouraged to use “I” messages. Many people do not communicate naturally with “I” statements, and it may take some practice before a person can use them effectively. The purpose of communication is to deliver a message in a way that can be well received. It is more important to deliver less information in a way that your child can understand than to deliver all the information at the same time.
What are I-Messages?
An “I” message is a style of communication that focuses on the feelings or beliefs of the speaker rather than thoughts and characteristics that the speaker attributes to the listener. “I” messages allow you to tell children you want them to change their behavior, without blaming them.
When using “I” messages always begin the statement with “I” not with “you”.
“I” messages usually contain three parts: my feelings/ your behavior/ the impact.
The “I” portion is the impact on you; the “you” portion is the behavior you noticed. “I” messages leave out any interpretation of the behavior.
When do I use I-Messages?
“I” statements enable speakers to be assertive without making accusations, which can often make listeners feel defensive. “I” statements can also help foster positive communication in a relationship. For example, one could say, “It makes me happy to see you sharing your toys with your friends, it makes them want to share their things with you as well.” Sharing feelings and thoughts in an honest and open manner can help parents and children grow closer.
Where should I use I-Messages?
An “I” statement can help one become aware of problematic behavior. Generally, it forces the speaker to take responsibility for his or her own thoughts and feelings rather than attributing them to someone else. “I” messages model a way of communication that is respectful in many different settings. “I” messages allow one to express opinions without eliciting negative reactions. It means communicating in a way that hopefully increases the likelihood that they truly hear each other.
How do I use I-Messages?
By reading the following articles and viewing these videos you will learn “how” to use I-Messages.
Articles:
Videos:
Self Evaluation Guide references (all PDF or Images):
Practice: Take a week to begin practicing your non-verbal communication, active listening and I-message skills with your child, and then evaluate your progress to see how you would rate yourself with the following Parenting Checklist. This is an ongoing process and you will become more effective the more you practice.
Parent Communication Self-Evaluation for Active Listening, Non-Verbal Communication and “I” Message Skills:
Which column best describes your current communication habits with your child?
| Good | Needs Improvement | How to Improve |
|---|---|---|
|
I give my full attention to the child and stop other things I am doing. |
I multi-task or interrupt while the child is talking. |
I turn off cell phones, TV’s and other distractions and make eye-contact. |
|
I listen to understand the child’s feelings and perspective. |
I offer unsolicited advice / solutions. |
I ask open-ended questions like, “Tell me more…” to encourage the child to provide more information. |
|
I use empathy to understand the child’s feelings. |
I minimize or dismiss the child’s feelings. |
I use phrases like, “It sounds like…” |
|
I repeat back what the child said in my own words. |
I dominate the conversation with my own opinions. |
I actively listen and encourage sharing to avoid misunderstandings. |
|
I work with the child to find a solution. |
I demand change or dictate consequences. |
We work together to find a solution that works for both. |
|
I maintain an open and relaxed body position. |
I cross my arms, scowl, or appear closed off or upset. |
I use positive postures and expressions and create a safe space for open communication. |
|
I make consistent, age-appropriate eye contact. |
I stare excessively, making the child uncomfortable. |
I use eye contact to show interest and engagement. |
|
I use warm and approachable facial expressions. |
I frown, roll eyes, or seem dismissive. |
I smile, nod, and show genuine interest. |
|
I use gentle and appropriate touch (i.e. high-fives, hugs, etc.) |
I engage in roughhousing, unwanted tickles, or overly intrusive touch. |
I respect the child’s comfort level and use touch positively. |
|
I pay attention to my tone of voice, volume and pacing. |
I yell, speak condescendingly or use harsh tones. |
I speak calmly, use age-appropriate language, and adjust tone for impact. |
|
I use “I” messages to express my feelings. |
I make generalizations or accusing “You” statements. |
I am clear and objective in describing the behavior or action. |
|
I use “I” messages to explain the impact of their behavior on me. |
I threaten, punish or use guilt trips. |
I focus on feelings (“I feel frustrated…” not “You should be ashamed…”). |
|
I use “I” messages consistently and honestly to show positive and negative emotions. |
I only use “I” messages when I’m upset or angry or as a weapon to manipulate or control. |
I practice using “I” statements regularly in everyday interactions with the “I feel…when…because…I like…” formula. |
|
I celebrate improvements and progress using “I” messages. |
I expect perfect communication skills instantly. |
I remember, it’s a learning process for both parent and child. |
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